Pop Culture Wisdom Debunked: Female Orgasms During Sex

WARNING: 

Explicit sexual content discussed below. Please do not read if you are concerned about the state of your soul, especially if you are not yet married. 

I remember reading the ever-popular Cosmopolitan as a girl (I'm still atoning). It was within its glossy pages that I was first informed of all the Pop Culture Wisdom (PCW) that I took for facts for most of my adolescent and young adult life (woe is me). So in this series, I am going to explore and dismantle all the PCW I ever absorbed and instead, bring those concepts into the light of Truth. 

The number one rule for Cosmo - to teach women how to have AMAZING SEX because that if you're not, that's REALLY UPSETTING to them. This involves the chase after that illusive unicorn of sex - the female orgasm. Apparently, it is hard to experience - without aid of a vibrator, a map, a magnifying glass, and probably some pornography. 

Sadly for me, I believed that - until I got married.

I did not start out my marriage knowing how to orgasm during sex, but my husband and I figured it out soon enough. Now I have come to believe this is possible for more than a minority of women and is actually how sex is supposed to work, before it was hurt by our fallen human condition. So how do we get back to Eden? 

First couples should work with what they've got. That is, although you can get all the technique advice in the world, if you have troubles in your relationship, they will be reflected in your lovemaking.  You cannot have a poor marital relationship and then expect great sex; great sex should be fruit of a loving marital relationship, not the root.
Before you start bedroom gymnastics, be honest with one another: is there tension? where's it coming from? failed expectations, hurt feelings, unresolved anger, worries about pregnancy or infertility? Maybe there are deeper issues - have either of you ever been the victim of any form of abuse (sexual, verbal, emotional, physical), intimate partner violence, or come from homes where a harmful attitude towards sex was taught?
Take inventory of your relationship in these areas. Allow each other some separate prayer time and then come together to compare notes. Even small disagreements can hurt the martial bond. The question Mr. Chastity and I try ask each other each night at bedtime (when we're not just falling in bed exhausted) is, "how have I failed to love you today? how can I love you better tomorrow?" Answering honestly, and truly listening to those answers, is often hard, but it is worthwhile.
Side note: for those of you struggling to heal after abuse, I highly recommend Dawn Eden's
My Peace I Give You: Healing Sexual Wounds with the Help of the Saints. 

Second: couples should work towards being unashamed. It is not a bad thing to love your spouse and to have a fulfilling sexual relationship with one another. But women can struggle expressing what they enjoy - and men hear it as criticism. Try writing a list answering prompts like the following: "I like it when you ___, I've always wanted to try __, I most enjoy sex when __." Have both spouses write them and then switch lists. Try what's on your partners list, so long as it is licit and neither partner feels used. Husbands! Try not to take it personally if something you LOVE doing isn't on there; not everybody likes the same things, but your goal in sex is to please your wife, not yourself.

Third, ladies step up. In my experience, a lot of advice about this topic is aimed towards husbands, as if they are the only ones responsible for their wives' orgasm. But it is a mutual quest. A wife cannot just say "you're doing it wrong, wrong, wrong!" and have no answers or help to give about how to do it right. Both partners must come together in humility and love, to seek to give the gift of themselves to each other. If you're coming to the marriage bed frustrated, annoyed, or contemptuous of the other and the other's efforts, you're going to get nowhere fast.
So much of your orgasm, wives, is mental and the only person who controls your mental state is you. This is not to put pressure on you, but to relieve you from seeing this as your husband's deficiency. Look at this as something you struggle with together, since you are on the same team, and (this goes for both husbands and wives) pray about it! Ask the  Holy Spirit to bless your lovemaking, to give you a greater heart for your husband, to love with abandon. As the Scriptures tell us, Seek and ye shall find...

Lastly, be willing to try. Often, as Catholics, we are unsure what we can do. We think we have to walk into the bedroom just the two of us without any knowledge and figure it out. If that works for you, great! But there's no shame in needing some suggestions, some education on basic human anatomy, or even finding joy in something a more. So long as you are not making 'newness,' or anything else, an idol, go for it. Great lingerie, a sexy game of Twister (always wanted to try that - if any of my readers have, oh please let me know), different positions, types of stimulation, rooms to have sex in, lubrication, 'powerful' words, c-rings. Try something! Be proactive. Pray about your options, be prudent, make sure you are not objectifying each other, and if you do make a mistake (one of you feels hurt, objectified, not respected), apologize and go to confession if you need to; then return to the marital bed with joy. 

If you think you're doing all these things, and you're still struggling, check out the five techniques I listed here. And as always, don't be afraid to consult a good Catholic counselor or your local doctor. If you're still stumped, feel free to submit a question to the right.

Lunchtime Chat: Can Catholics Use Sex Toys?

WARNING: 

Explicit sexual content discussed below. Please don't read if you are concerned it could affect the state of your soul, especially if you're not yet married.

A reader writes: 

I want to ask about vibrators. I have never been able to orgasm without one, no matter what the stimulation. My husband and I only use one ask [sic] part of actual sex, but I'm not exactly sure what part it should play in sex. With it, there is no possibility of simultaneous orgasms, and sometimes I wonder whether it is licit or something more akin to masturbation even though the context is intercourse. Before we decided to try one out,we had lots of sex with a great emotional connection, but I was always left frustrated. Ironically, with three little ones, we only have time for quickies, which means that quick access to an orgasm is very helpful. But is it wrong?

What a GREAT question! 

Sex toys, whether they be vibrators, c-rings, dildos, etc., are NOT discussed by most Christians, let alone Catholics. Do a search on Catholic Answers for 'vibrator' and what do you get? Zero results! But the reason is probably that the Church hasn't released a document on it; there isn't an Apostolic Letter on the Use of Sex Toys in the Americas and there isn't going to be any time soon (thank goodness, it was enough when then-Karol Wojtyla wrote about mutual orgasm). So let me start off by saying this: there is nothing in Catholic teaching that outright forbids sex toys being used between non-contracepting married couples. But there's still more nuance, so let me help you explore the topic a bit further. 

What does one do when orgasm is NOT happening, at any point? It sounds like this problem isn't stemming from lack of an emotional connection (phew). So long as the use of the vibrator is not upsetting to you or your husband, there is nothing wrong with using it. But I think the problem here is that you only feel not-frustrated when you use it; that is, it might be starting to feel like unless you orgasm (with a vibrator), the sex doesn't count. (the awesome Dr. Popcak addresses this 'doesn't count' phenomenon in his book Holy Sex - but he doesn't get quite as specific with sex toys). I know it's hard to hear, but orgasm is not the point of sex. Is it important? YES. But it's not the end! Most women do not orgasm during every act. So don't be too hard on yourself - you're not crazy!

The goal is to allow orgasms to flow naturally from your lovemaking. Obviously, you have to concentrate on orgasm when you introduce a vibrator - there it is, reminding you of the goal! But the real goal might be for you to try to wean yourself off the vibrator and explore other ways to orgasm. With three young children, though, that's a tall order! Here is a possible suggestion: try perhaps every other time, or every third time, to enjoy sex but not make orgasm a necessary act. Accept that you aren't going and focus on how much you love your husband, how much this time together means, what a wonderful lover he is. If you focus too much on orgasm, you'll feel pressured and sex will be even more unsatisfying (as I'm sure you know). 

But you can do other things to orgasm during lovemaking. You stated you haven't ever been able to orgasm without a vibrator. Does that mean you had your first orgasm with a vibrator? If so, okay - you've had one, now you can figure out how to have one without a vibrator! You've ruled out an actual physical problem. Here are some tips for orgasming, sans electronics: 

1. Oral stimulation (this IS allowed) - your husband can either do this until you come close, then go to intercourse, or you can orgasm before intercourse.
2. Manual stimulation - either his hands or yours ! If you are stimulating yourself during intercourse, this is NOT masturbation - you are giving yourself to him.
3. Different positions - Many women orgasm by being on top, because they can adjust the amount of stimulation they have. You can try being on top and stimulating yourself, or having your husband do it. 
4. C-rings - Have you heard of these? These are bands, usually of stretchy silicone, that wrap around the base of your husband's penis. Then, when you are on top, you have something to give friction to your clitoris. Some of them also vibrate. Don't worry, you don't have to go to some gross sex shop to buy them - Amazon carries them. Obviously, if these are not comfortable for your husband, they're not an option - but there are lots of kinds and they're relatively inexpensive. 
5. Lubrication - were you using any? There is a BIG difference for some people between manual stimulation without lubrication and with lubrication. I personally hate the way 'store' lubricants smell (Astroglide, KY, etc.) - so we use coconut oil. Works great and I don't have to be embarrassed if someone sees some on my nightstand. You can also use olive oil (oldest known personal lubricant - the ancient Greeks used it!), but I find the smell to be quite strong. 

Although vibrators are permitted, they aren't ideal. That's the key here. I realize you may be at a time in your life where you are not into creativity; you don't have the energy or ability to try this or that - you're just lucky to get 30 minutes to have sex and then fall asleep before some little person is waking you up! If so, hey, no big deal - you're not doing anything wrong! But when you find you're getting to a new season of life, maybe you can get an afternoon at home just the two of you, leave the vibrator alone and try some new things! Ultimately, God wants to bless your lovemaking and have it be as pleasurable and fun as possible. Pray, ask God for help, and then approach your husband with love! 

The Holy Grail of the Bedroom

It's no secret: everyone wants great sex. Or at least, that's what future civilizations are going to surmise about the female portion of our population, since that is what's on the cover of every magazine, week-in and week-out. But I'm convinced that what every woman wants isn't 87 mind-blowing orgasms (that sounds exhausting), but just better sex. 

Better sex doesn't mean perfecting technique. Better sex: meaning an experience of your whole person being accepted, while accepting the whole of another person. The kind of sex that is physically enjoyable, but really rocks you on an emotional and spiritual level. It is satisfying because you are full of the knowledge that you are not being used, you are not a fetish, an object, someone's fantasy to enjoy - you are being consumed, relished, wholly enjoy for who you are, by someone that you take delight in doing that for as well. THAT is better sex - that is, I think, the 'Holy Grail' we're searching for in the bedroom.

I can't get you there step by step, but I can give you a big push in the right direction. Use Natural Family Planning. No, seriously - I'm not kidding. Use it if you don't want a family now or ever or you're not sure. Use it if you want tons of babies right now or in five years. Use it if you're afraid of making 'a mistake' or you think your body is broken or your husband thinks it's crazy. Use Natural Family Planning and you will be so much closer to better sex. 

That's because better sex is about a better relationship, and a better relationship happens when we're vulnerable with one another.  NFP makes you vulnerable, because instead of this unspoken agreement where one of you is taking/doing something to stop a baby from happening, and neither of you are sure when to re-evaluate that decision, you have to talk. You have to talk, sometimes every month, about the decision to have a baby. Having a baby is something Big so it makes you talk about Other Big Things, like why you want kids, where you see life taking you, what you Hope For and Dream Of. You learn aspects of your spouse that you hadn't ever contemplated before, you delve deeper into who you are, together. You make decisions, and make sacrifices together, and you know you why you're making them. 

So when you do come together, you know you are offering your whole self to a person who truly knows you and whom you truly know. The ground-work for great sex - the hard work of knowing a person and taking it as your responsibility to care for them in this life, to sacrifice for their best good and work for their betterment - that is built in already with NFP. Granted, it isn't magic! People who use NFP can have so-so sex just like everyone else. But when a couple is doing NFP, even (especially) when it's particularly difficult and trying, they are growing together in love. They are laying the groundwork to have truly incredible lovemaking because they are learning to truly love.

This post was written for NFP Awareness Week - go see Katie for many more posts!