Welcome Back and ARW about Coconut Oil

I do apologize for my prolonged absence here; technical difficulties have at last been surmounted and I am back.

A reader writes with some very practical questions:

I have a very practical question, if I may. I see you recommend coconut oil as a lubricant and I like the idea but I have a few concerns. First, refined or unrefined (or both?), or does it not matter? Second, being used to coconut oil in the kitchen, I know it is rock solid in winter and liquid in summer. Does this pose problems for storage and deft deployment at the appropriate moment? Third, I can't help fearing it will be a bit messy. I know the Catholic way of sex is inherently beautifully messy, but worry the oil might damage my fabrics. This worry could, I forsee, dampen the full enjoyment of marital pleasure. Any thoughts you might have on these issues would be very welcome.

Wonderful question! I love practicalities, they are far too neglected in this world.

First, I will say that I do not think refined or unrefined matters; the two brands I have used are the one sold at Trader Joe's (doesn't say whether it is refined) and the one sold at Costco (unrefined). I haven't noticed a difference. 

This is the Costco brand

Second, coconut oil does vary in consistency depending on the seasons! What we do (and this idea is credited entirely to my husband) is take some out of the large container and fill a small tupperware with it (the very little ones, like the size of a baby food jar). We then keep that in a safe place somewhere near where we usually make love. (it does have the added advantage of being inconspicuous and also keeping our cooking & personal needs separate) If it is more like a liquid, then just a finger dip into it does the trick; if more solid, then rubbing the top gets enough free and it melts on contact with the skin after some more rubbing.

Trader Joe's Brand

I am grateful for your concern about your linens! So far, I have not noticed any problems with mine, although we do deploy the coconut oil strategically, that is to say - we don't use as massage oil (although that sounds lovely) - so there is less chance of it getting everywhere. My advice is to lay some towels down first if you use it more liberally. Otherwise, especially if you have nice plush carpet, you might embrace sex on the floor - or if you're daring, the shower. If you do figure out how to have shower sex, please let me know; it has puzzled me for years. 

Thanks so much for writing!

ARW: Painful Intercourse

WARNING: Explicit sexual content discussed below. Please do not read if you are concerned about the state of your soul, especially if you are not yet married.










A reader writes:


I married as a virgin and despite going slowly,  sex is quite painful. We tried the usual things - lots of foreplay, lots of lube, both of us eager and ready - but nothing has really worked. Things have gotten better since that time and we've tried a bunch of positions but cannot seem to find a pain-free one. Do you have any recommendations?

Indeed I do have recommendations, but I'm not sure that they will solve your problems.

Dyspareunia, or painful sex, can happen for any number of reasons. They usually fall into two categories: medical or mental. If it's a medical problem, then you really must go see your OBGYN. If it's a mental ones, I have some tips, but you still may need some counseling.

Medical reasons are manifold, but they may not just be you. It may be that your husband is very well endowed. Or you may have vaginismus, a medical condition where you tighten your muscles involuntarily when your husband enters you. For a rundown of possible problems, I found this pdf from the ACOG very helpful. No matter what, you'll have to see your doctor, but that handout may give you some talking points to start a conversation with your OBGYN. Before you go, think about the kind of pain you are having. Is it inside - like a painful stretching? Or outside, more like the skin around your opening? These could indicate different problems, so try to think about that so you can help your OBGYN diagnose you.

But what if you go, or have gone, and everything checks out? Then it may be a mental block. If you are newly married and you were a virgin when you married, you could still be getting used to the act. Everyone's body is different; for some women, it takes a long time to be truly comfortable with sex (although, as I said, don't assume this is you - check with your doctor!). You may be rather tight down below. I have heard from some women that they didn't actually have completely comfortable sex until after childbirth, because that loosened their vaginal muscles to a more comfortable degree.


If you are sure there are no relationship problems (including some more specific to your sex life, such as deep-seated worries about sexual enjoyment, mismatched libidos, or differing levels of sexual experience), then the next step is point-and-shoot with positions and lubrication - which you indicated you had tried. Have you tried coconut oil for lubrication? I know it's all the rage for everything else these days, but I highly recommend it as a personal lubricant. This is also where considering the type of pain is helpful; sex can be painful because he's hitting your cervix (if he's a bit longer than your vaginal cavity), if he's stretching you (a bit wider), or if the skin around your opening is irritated (which as the above PDF discusses can be caused by many things). Knowing what type of pain will help you choose a better position. If penetration is too deep, try a more shallow position - especially you on top, where you can control the depth. If he's too wide, I would actually suggest initiating sex before he is fully erect and allow him to grow inside you (don't worry, he won't get stuck).


I would suggest two things you had not mentioned: try perhaps to orgasm first before you try intercourse and/or, if you are enjoy drinking, have a glass of wine or scotch or whatever it is you enjoy. If women are particularly 'dry' or struggling with penetration, being on the receiving end of oral sex can do wonders. Your husband can to enter you directly after you have climaxed - when you're all dazed and endorphin-filled. Takes some of the pressure off. Also, some alcohol can help to relax you - although of course I am not recommending getting drunk.

Failing all else, and in combination with all of the above, pray! Do not pray in light hearted manner, but devote yourself to prayer on this issue. I have always sought the aid of the Holy Spirit in my lovemaking and have never found my prayers unanswered. Be confident in seeking the help you need, from God and man, and please let me know if you have any follow-up questions. I am sure this is a very trying experience. You and your husband are in my prayers.