ARW: Sex in Phase III

A reader writes:

After 7 children...I am one tired momma who needs a break from being pregnant or nursing! Because my cycles are so wacky, with double mucus patches and 40 day cycles some months, I have purposely avoided making love to my husband for months at a time (even a whole year once or twice)
I think I could go the rest of my life without sex, just so I wouldn't get pregnant! I love my children, but if I am 'blessed' again, I think my other kids will suffer because it's quite possible that I will end up in the looney bin!
I've tried the temperature, the mucus check, the cervix position, but I think the main problem is I can't stand sex when I am nonfertile! Phase III is the only time, right? Well, that's when I am the most tired, the crankiest, and don't want to be touched at all!!!
It has gotten so bad these past years, that even though we know it's morally wrong, we have gone ahead and had 'nonprocreational' sex during phase II, just so my husband and I don't start hating God & the Church on the stance of NFP!
Help!

Bless you, dear reader. Seven children! What a blessing, what a cross, what a path to sanctification. 

First off, let me offer a word of affirmation: it is completely understandable to feel tapped out and to still want to have an active sex life, while holding off on children. The Church affirms this need to care for your marriage and to exercise responsible parenthood by holding off on more children - possibly for now, possibly forever. 

So how do we get you enjoying your love-making, but not violating Church teaching? My greatest piece of advice is the work with an instructor! I realize that you have seven children, money may not be in generous supply. However, many many instructors will discount their rates - some even do it for free. Working with an instructor is the number one best help for women who are struggling with cycles - an instructor can help spot possible hormonal issues, treat the underlying symptoms for irregular cycles, etc. This will help you get the maximum number of nonfertile days, and on one of those days you may feel like the deed. If you need more specific help, contact your NFP method organization: CCL, Billings, Creighton, Marquette. 

The language you use is Couple to Couple League, from what I can tell; have you tried other methods? NFP methods are not one size fits all. Some people who track mucus using CCL do not understand it as well as they do when they use Creighton or Billings. 

I have known some women who have found the Marquette Method to be most helpful, because it uses a fertility monitor - the Clear Blue Easy Monitor. This, however, is an added cost. The monitor itself is $160 and then you have to buy the test strips. (I just obtained one myself; I am postpartum, still nursing, unsure if cycles have returned - I'll let you know about it's user-friendliness) 

However, all of this will take time - time to make phone calls, begin charting, figure things out. That is time that is precious. I encourage you to still make your marriage a priority and try to spend time together in other ways, while you figure this out. Go to confession together (even if you're conscious of no mortal sin) and maybe develop a relationship with a spiritual director, or get counseling from a trusted priest, together. This is a serious issue and a great cross for both of you; you must work hard to resolve the issue if at all possible and then pray very hard as well, because Satan will want to use this cross to harm your marriage and your love for the Church. Don't let him! Have faith that God will care for you in your time of need; God wants you to have a joyful sex life with your husband. 

Since you also seem to be a bit overwhelmed, and goodness knows who wouldn't be in your situation, see if you can glean some time to recharge your batteries. Do not be afraid to hire help, hire a sitter, a mother's helper, a lady to clean a few times a week. Take advantage of gym daycare, mommy's day out, or other programs. These costs can often be minimal, especially if you ask around the parish. Do not be afraid to take the time to care for yourself in the midst of concern for your children, your husband, your marriage. 

As for getting in the mood when you know you're not fertile, that can be tough and very specific to you. Have you ever enjoyed sex during Phase III? Can you think of what made it enjoyable? You mention tired and cranky...is it possible for your husband to help more with the children, to hire that help especially during this time, maybe have a girlfriend or family member help so you feel a bit more rest? I have to admit, I am very blunt with my very best friend: "can you watch the baby tonight? My husband and I haven't made love in a while." Very blunt, but very effective. Maybe schedule your 'date night' for this time and make it a longer one - personally, my date 'night's start around 2pm and end at  or 8. I prefer them earlier in the day when I can get more hours with my sitter, and my husband generously takes off work that afternoon (which is easy to do since it's only once every six weeks or so). If you have a longer amount of time, then you might have the ability to have a nap, some deeper conversation about the state of your relationship, some good food and drink. Then perhaps you'll feel more in the mood? It does help me, even when it's not a time I am usually especially amorous. 

I realize these suggestions may seem abstract and not helpful. In the thick of it, sometimes we want a magic potion - concrete advice that we can implement immediately that will change the situation. Unfortunately, this is not usually readily available. It's easy to despair, but I urge you to have faith and courage. Help is out there and you can seek it out.  "Ask and it will be given you; search and you will find; knock and the door will be opened for you." (Matthew 7:7)

If you do need further help getting started, or finding resources in your area, please feel free to email me. I would be honored to help. 

Readers, feel free to chime in as always. Any advice ? 

Sexual Abuse

Back from vacation to write about a topic that is deeply on my heart. 

St. Maria Goretti, drawn by Helen Hull Hitchcock, one of the patron saints of the sexually abused

Although there are many aspects of modern society to deplore, one of the best advents of being more 'open' is the greater realization of, and treatment for, those who have been sexually abused. Today we realize that sexual abuse, of minors and adults, is not as rare as we wish it was and is not anything to be brushed aside. The attitude of 'boys will be boys' or 'these things happen' is no longer acceptable.

But at some point, the person who has suffered sexual abuse must move on, right? One of the most frustrating aspects for survivors is feeling stuck - dealing with the same issues, over and over again. This can easily lead to rushing into a relationship, a marriage even, in order to 'claim' sexuality as free from the abuser - something that the victim again has control over. Perhaps even if nothing was rushed, the issue does not get a full airing; it is mentioned, but not discussed. The victim simply wants to 'get over' it and move on. Maybe the abuser is still even in the victim's life and they feel they cannot extricate themselves without creating more issues to deal with. 

But while wanting to move on is normal, you can't move on from a wound that has not healed. The wounds that we receive from sexual abuse are not fleeting - but neither are they incurable. Just as a physical wound must be cleaned out before it can be healed, so these psychological, emotional, and spiritual wounds must be shown to the light of day. Make no mistake about it, sex is powerful, incredibly powerful. Satan wants to take something so powerfully good - sex - and turn it into something cripplingly painful, which is what sexual abuse is. But Satan, and sin, fears the light. To expose these experiences to the light, with the aid of a trusted spiritual guide, can only defeat Satan's power over a person. 

Sometimes people doubt whether they have been abused or they normalize the abuse. 'It wasn't so bad' can be a constant refrain, or 'she/he didn't know better' or even 'it's just part of that culture.' None of these statements are in any way an appropriate excuse or justification for abuse. And no matter how many attempts are made to minimize the pain, it will not erase what happened. Maybe you wonder  something along the lines of 'if that was just a simple game of doctor between kids, then why does the memory fill me with fear?' It's okay. Find a trusted person to talk to, preferably with experience in dealing with these issues, and gently expose these events to the light of God's Truth. The Divine Physician can do great healing. 

Where to seek help? Many people who have been abused are asking - who can I trust? I know there are even counselors that normalize or minimize abuse, further compounding a person's pain. But there is good help to be found. The Pastoral Solutions Institute is a good place to start, no matter where you are emotionally - or geographically! Also, the website Catholic Therapists has a directory of Catholic therapists in the US, but they can only do so much in verifying each therapists' authentic adherence to Church teaching, so it's best to ask a few questions yourself before you develop a relationship with one of their therapists.

If you're not ready to talk to a person, try Dawn Eden's great book My Peace I Give You: Healing Sexual Wounds with the Help of the Saints. Read the book as slowly as you wish and keep a journal to process your thoughts. During this time of reflection, Satan may up his attacks - your abuser may contact you, someone may say something hurtful that relates to the situation, or your thoughts may turn dark. That's why it's important to increase your prayer time; spend time with Jesus in the Eucharist via Adoration if at all possible, attend daily Mass, and please oh please - say the rosary! These efforts will help you begin to revisit these events.

Additionally, a good spiritual director may be a great help in processing all of this work. Spiritual direction is NOT a substitute for therapy at all, but it can be very helpful when done alongside counseling. You can usually find a list of spiritual directors on your diocese's website or by calling. For more questions about spiritual directors in general, check out Jennifer Fulwiler's extremely helpful blog post here.

Finally, dear reader, if this is a personal struggle for you, please know you're not alone and sex is not ruined forever for you. You are not wasted, broken, ruined, or tainted. There are many of us who have suffered similar trials and we bear witness to God's ability to "make all things new." (Rev. 21:5) If you have any questions, please feel free to email me or contact me using the anonymous contact form to the right. Be assured of my prayers.