Can Catholics Have Oral Sex?

WARNING: Explicit sexual content discussed below. Please do not read if you are concerned about the state of your soul, especially if you are not yet married.


Tuesdays are, in general, rather dull. But it is also the feast day of Saint Monica, so I propose we discuss a topic that I believe falls under her purview: oral sex. Can we, faithful married Catholics, engage in it? Is it good? Is it yucky? Dirty? (Yes, yes, no, no) However, I think this topic is deserving of Saint Monica's patronage because she is a patron of abuse victims - and oral sex can certainly be abused by many people. Lets discuss.

By oral sex I mean the stimulation of a spouse's genitals with the mouth of the other spouse. Slang terms being going down on, blow job, hummer,  eating out, etc. Lord knows there is no polite way to request such an act! (I suggest developing your own term for the act and using that as common society offers us no words that are in any way appropriate for this lovely act of service.) Remember when I told you that so long as the husband ends by climaxing in his wife, it is licit? That means that oral sex may be used for foreplay for both spouses and to the climax for the wife (so long as it directly precedes or follows intercourse itself - it cannot be a separate marital act in and of itself).

Although permitted, it is often abused. By this I mean two things: it is frequently demanded instead of requested, and it can serve as a shortcut to working towards mutual orgasm. Common culture would have us believe the men prefer blow jobs to just about anything, including actual intercourse and Heaven itself (God forbid). Sometimes men themselves believe this and so they get into the habit of demanding blow jobs as some sort of 'payment' - treating married like a quid pro quo arrangement. Women can do this too, of course, I don't mean to slight my own sex - I know first hand how selfish we can be, I do have a mirror. This sort of attitude must be avoided at all costs; if either one of you finds yourself feeling entitled to oral sex (or any kind of sex), you must stop that line of thinking, rush to confession, and begin focusing on truly offering yourself to your spouse in love.

Spouses often get used to oral sex as a quick and easy way for the woman to orgasm. Now, this is very helpful and enjoyable - certainly nothing is wrong with this either. But sometimes a couple gets into this habit of thinking the woman can only finish this way, so it becomes a you-scratch-my-back-now-I-do-yours type of arrangement. The husband loves his wife orally only so they can get to intercourse and he can get his pleasure, you see? But intercourse itself should always be a mutual enjoyment, as far as possible. Perhaps both of you have always wondered about mutual orgasm - is it possible? Should we try for it? Don't be daunted - go for it! Hold off on the oral stimulation to climax (maybe still do some for foreplay, to increase natural lubrication, etc.) and try to finish together. It's a very fun race, really, and achievable in both cases.

If you are squeamish about trying oral sex, some measures may help. Both of you should shower directly beforehand to be as 'fresh' for the other. Some spouses prefer a bit of a trim of the pubic hair, something you can even do together (you never know how much you really trust someone until they're yielding clippers so close to your Holy of Holies, if you know what I mean). Others prefer the fuller look. Don't be afraid to ask! From there, make sure you have plenty of time, and perhaps place a glass of water (or Scotch? but you didn't hear it from me) and some towels on the bed stand. When done correctly, it can get a bit messy! Make sure you enjoy some face time (no, not the app, dagnabit - must Apple try to own everything?) before you dive right in; necking like teenagers is always a fun way to get the nerves out. Then progress downwards by touching. One thing that some people struggle with at this point is the damn silence! It can feel intimidating. I suggest either music (nothing with words unless you have a stronger ability not to giggle than I, which is entirely possible) or light conversation (something more like "I do adore this bit of skin right here" rather than "did you hear the Jones' are expecting again?"). Only then, once all are warmed up and comfortable, should you begin to use your mouth.

I will avoid step-by-step instructions, but will give a bit of advice. Both spouses, please give and receive directions graciously. You are driving in a foreign country and it's only right to accept directions from the locals, yes? Wives, don't try to implement everything you've ever read in Cosmo - one or both of you could end up with Epilepsy and an unfortunate aversion to ice cream sundaes. Men, women do like different things so it's hard to generalize, but patience patience and please have a passing familiarity with where the clitoris might be. No need to hunt it down with a magnifying glass, but knowing the general vicinity it inhabits would be greatly appreciated.

There - doesn't your Tuesday sound more promising already? Saint Monica, pray for us!

This was written, and intended for publication, yesterday. For reasons unknown to me, a very grumpy baby decided this should not be so.