A Reader Writes: Female Orgasm After Intercourse?

WARNING: 

Explicit sexual content discussed below. Please do not read if you are concerned about the state of your soul, especially if you are not yet married. 









A reader writes: 

My husband and I have been married for 4 years together for almost 10. I don't feel comfortable telling him that I want him to bring me to climax after he is finished. I know, I know, I should work on my communication skills but I feel really slutty and wrong for wanting to reach and orgasm too. So my solution to the problem is to do it myself. I don't feel that is a masturbation since I do it after the intercourse but I do it without him knowing ( I either leave the room or do it very quietly). What is your take on it? I do feel that he is being selfish not to think of this himself but I also understand that he needs to get up for work in 4 hours and needs to sleep.


Your 'question' has a lot of parts! I'll address it as so: if what you are doing  now is wrong (i.e., objectively sinful), your attitude towards climaxing, and lastly, your communication needs. 

What you are currently doing absolutely is masturbation. You are bringing yourself to climax without your husband even being present! You seek out your own pleasure completely outside the marital act and that is masturbation. Your logic that since you do it after intercourse, it's not masturbation is flawed - lots of things are done after an act, aren't they? Going to the restroom, having a sandwich - are these acts part of intercourse? Where do you draw the line if it's a timing issue - you can do it five minutes afterwards, but fifteen is too remote? 
Lets avoid all that dangerous legalism and get to the heart of the matter. Your orgasm in this context in no way involves giving yourself to your husband and thus, it is masturbation. Even if you were not aware of this, you should go to confession - so you can have a fresh start. A nice spring, er, summer cleaning of your soul! 

Your ideas about sex seem a bit wonky. No, not because of the masturbation issue - because of your use of the word 'slutty' in regards to your desire to climax at some point within the marital act. Why do you think that desire is slutty or wrong? That's a big issue, because sex is very good and you are meant to enjoy it totally with your husband. In fact, Pope John Paul II, while he was still Karol Wojtyla, wrote in Love and Responsibility that husbands have a responsibility to make sure their wives orgasm! It is hard work to reprogram your mind on this issue, but I think it's worth the effort. Read the Song of Songs (Old Testament, filled with beautiful imagery about the marital embrace) and call to mind God's words in Genesis when he made man and woman "It is very good."  If you need more recommendations, I encourage you to read Dr. Popcak's Holy Sex!: A Catholic Guide to Toe-Curling, Mind-Blowing, Infallible Loving for ways to 'redirect' that kind of thinking and Christopher West's Good News About Sex and Marriage: Answers to Your Honest Questions About Catholic Teaching.


As for your communication issue, a lot of this depends on the context of your relationship. Do you think you and your husband are doing well in other areas? Is he normally very considerate, loving, patient, kind? Is this the one blind spot in an otherwise blissful union, excepting the normal marital tensions? If so, then help the poor man out and talk to him. Tell him how much you love and desire him, how much you enjoy making love, but that you'd like to give more of yourself to him. He might feel bad for not having thought of it before, or nervous that he doesn't know what to do; since you do know how to enjoy yourself, try taking the lead the next time you are intimate together and showing him how to please you. Be gentle and kind; pray a lot before this conversation and beg the Holy Spirit to give you the right words. 

A great deal of this also depends on the level of spiritual maturity, both in yourself and your husband. If you are both faithful Christians, who try to be constant in prayer and good works, attending Mass and passing on the faith to any children, then you have another level of accountability. In my opinion (take it for what it's worth) you should talk to your husband about your masturbatory habit. The Church teaches us that sin not only hurts us, not only hurts God, but hurts the entire Body of Christ. And this sin is a sin against your very marriage. How hurt would you be if you found out your husband had masturbated - and how much worse to find out he hid it from you? If you are mature Christians, I encourage you to confess this to your husband in a spirit of humility and ask him to help you be a better wife. If you have concerns about your relationship, and neither of you make your relationship with God a priority, then consider telling your husband - if you think he will be able to honestly forgive you and move forward in your marriage. This is a judgment call; talk to your priest about this when you go to confession and he'll be able to more specifically advise you in this situation. 

No married person can afford to be ignorant of the danger masturbation poses to their marriage. We must be willing to face this sin together, and to see the offending spouse as our beloved in need of our help, not our condemnation. I am in the habit of asking Mr. Chastity if he is being tempted, to see if we need to be making love more often. God desires more than your current status quo for you and your husband! Pray, invite him into your marriage and your bedroom, and be hopeful that with His help, you and your husband can become truly excellent lovers. 

Oh, and one last note - sometimes having the woman finish after sex can be a little, ah, messy. Men can be a little intimidated by that! It's not as much of a problem for manual stimulation, but for oral stimulation it can be a little on the intense side for many men.  If that's the case, make your pleasure a goal either before he finishes (some tips towards the end of a post from last week, here) or try to finish at the same time. I'll be writing more on simultaneous orgasm later this week, so check that out when it's up. 

Godspeed! 

Pop Culture Wisdom Debunked: Female Orgasms During Sex

WARNING: 

Explicit sexual content discussed below. Please do not read if you are concerned about the state of your soul, especially if you are not yet married. 

I remember reading the ever-popular Cosmopolitan as a girl (I'm still atoning). It was within its glossy pages that I was first informed of all the Pop Culture Wisdom (PCW) that I took for facts for most of my adolescent and young adult life (woe is me). So in this series, I am going to explore and dismantle all the PCW I ever absorbed and instead, bring those concepts into the light of Truth. 

The number one rule for Cosmo - to teach women how to have AMAZING SEX because that if you're not, that's REALLY UPSETTING to them. This involves the chase after that illusive unicorn of sex - the female orgasm. Apparently, it is hard to experience - without aid of a vibrator, a map, a magnifying glass, and probably some pornography. 

Sadly for me, I believed that - until I got married.

I did not start out my marriage knowing how to orgasm during sex, but my husband and I figured it out soon enough. Now I have come to believe this is possible for more than a minority of women and is actually how sex is supposed to work, before it was hurt by our fallen human condition. So how do we get back to Eden? 

First couples should work with what they've got. That is, although you can get all the technique advice in the world, if you have troubles in your relationship, they will be reflected in your lovemaking.  You cannot have a poor marital relationship and then expect great sex; great sex should be fruit of a loving marital relationship, not the root.
Before you start bedroom gymnastics, be honest with one another: is there tension? where's it coming from? failed expectations, hurt feelings, unresolved anger, worries about pregnancy or infertility? Maybe there are deeper issues - have either of you ever been the victim of any form of abuse (sexual, verbal, emotional, physical), intimate partner violence, or come from homes where a harmful attitude towards sex was taught?
Take inventory of your relationship in these areas. Allow each other some separate prayer time and then come together to compare notes. Even small disagreements can hurt the martial bond. The question Mr. Chastity and I try ask each other each night at bedtime (when we're not just falling in bed exhausted) is, "how have I failed to love you today? how can I love you better tomorrow?" Answering honestly, and truly listening to those answers, is often hard, but it is worthwhile.
Side note: for those of you struggling to heal after abuse, I highly recommend Dawn Eden's
My Peace I Give You: Healing Sexual Wounds with the Help of the Saints. 

Second: couples should work towards being unashamed. It is not a bad thing to love your spouse and to have a fulfilling sexual relationship with one another. But women can struggle expressing what they enjoy - and men hear it as criticism. Try writing a list answering prompts like the following: "I like it when you ___, I've always wanted to try __, I most enjoy sex when __." Have both spouses write them and then switch lists. Try what's on your partners list, so long as it is licit and neither partner feels used. Husbands! Try not to take it personally if something you LOVE doing isn't on there; not everybody likes the same things, but your goal in sex is to please your wife, not yourself.

Third, ladies step up. In my experience, a lot of advice about this topic is aimed towards husbands, as if they are the only ones responsible for their wives' orgasm. But it is a mutual quest. A wife cannot just say "you're doing it wrong, wrong, wrong!" and have no answers or help to give about how to do it right. Both partners must come together in humility and love, to seek to give the gift of themselves to each other. If you're coming to the marriage bed frustrated, annoyed, or contemptuous of the other and the other's efforts, you're going to get nowhere fast.
So much of your orgasm, wives, is mental and the only person who controls your mental state is you. This is not to put pressure on you, but to relieve you from seeing this as your husband's deficiency. Look at this as something you struggle with together, since you are on the same team, and (this goes for both husbands and wives) pray about it! Ask the  Holy Spirit to bless your lovemaking, to give you a greater heart for your husband, to love with abandon. As the Scriptures tell us, Seek and ye shall find...

Lastly, be willing to try. Often, as Catholics, we are unsure what we can do. We think we have to walk into the bedroom just the two of us without any knowledge and figure it out. If that works for you, great! But there's no shame in needing some suggestions, some education on basic human anatomy, or even finding joy in something a more. So long as you are not making 'newness,' or anything else, an idol, go for it. Great lingerie, a sexy game of Twister (always wanted to try that - if any of my readers have, oh please let me know), different positions, types of stimulation, rooms to have sex in, lubrication, 'powerful' words, c-rings. Try something! Be proactive. Pray about your options, be prudent, make sure you are not objectifying each other, and if you do make a mistake (one of you feels hurt, objectified, not respected), apologize and go to confession if you need to; then return to the marital bed with joy. 

If you think you're doing all these things, and you're still struggling, check out the five techniques I listed here. And as always, don't be afraid to consult a good Catholic counselor or your local doctor. If you're still stumped, feel free to submit a question to the right.

Lunchtime Chat: Can Catholics Use Sex Toys?

WARNING: 

Explicit sexual content discussed below. Please don't read if you are concerned it could affect the state of your soul, especially if you're not yet married.

A reader writes: 

I want to ask about vibrators. I have never been able to orgasm without one, no matter what the stimulation. My husband and I only use one ask [sic] part of actual sex, but I'm not exactly sure what part it should play in sex. With it, there is no possibility of simultaneous orgasms, and sometimes I wonder whether it is licit or something more akin to masturbation even though the context is intercourse. Before we decided to try one out,we had lots of sex with a great emotional connection, but I was always left frustrated. Ironically, with three little ones, we only have time for quickies, which means that quick access to an orgasm is very helpful. But is it wrong?

What a GREAT question! 

Sex toys, whether they be vibrators, c-rings, dildos, etc., are NOT discussed by most Christians, let alone Catholics. Do a search on Catholic Answers for 'vibrator' and what do you get? Zero results! But the reason is probably that the Church hasn't released a document on it; there isn't an Apostolic Letter on the Use of Sex Toys in the Americas and there isn't going to be any time soon (thank goodness, it was enough when then-Karol Wojtyla wrote about mutual orgasm). So let me start off by saying this: there is nothing in Catholic teaching that outright forbids sex toys being used between non-contracepting married couples. But there's still more nuance, so let me help you explore the topic a bit further. 

What does one do when orgasm is NOT happening, at any point? It sounds like this problem isn't stemming from lack of an emotional connection (phew). So long as the use of the vibrator is not upsetting to you or your husband, there is nothing wrong with using it. But I think the problem here is that you only feel not-frustrated when you use it; that is, it might be starting to feel like unless you orgasm (with a vibrator), the sex doesn't count. (the awesome Dr. Popcak addresses this 'doesn't count' phenomenon in his book Holy Sex - but he doesn't get quite as specific with sex toys). I know it's hard to hear, but orgasm is not the point of sex. Is it important? YES. But it's not the end! Most women do not orgasm during every act. So don't be too hard on yourself - you're not crazy!

The goal is to allow orgasms to flow naturally from your lovemaking. Obviously, you have to concentrate on orgasm when you introduce a vibrator - there it is, reminding you of the goal! But the real goal might be for you to try to wean yourself off the vibrator and explore other ways to orgasm. With three young children, though, that's a tall order! Here is a possible suggestion: try perhaps every other time, or every third time, to enjoy sex but not make orgasm a necessary act. Accept that you aren't going and focus on how much you love your husband, how much this time together means, what a wonderful lover he is. If you focus too much on orgasm, you'll feel pressured and sex will be even more unsatisfying (as I'm sure you know). 

But you can do other things to orgasm during lovemaking. You stated you haven't ever been able to orgasm without a vibrator. Does that mean you had your first orgasm with a vibrator? If so, okay - you've had one, now you can figure out how to have one without a vibrator! You've ruled out an actual physical problem. Here are some tips for orgasming, sans electronics: 

1. Oral stimulation (this IS allowed) - your husband can either do this until you come close, then go to intercourse, or you can orgasm before intercourse.
2. Manual stimulation - either his hands or yours ! If you are stimulating yourself during intercourse, this is NOT masturbation - you are giving yourself to him.
3. Different positions - Many women orgasm by being on top, because they can adjust the amount of stimulation they have. You can try being on top and stimulating yourself, or having your husband do it. 
4. C-rings - Have you heard of these? These are bands, usually of stretchy silicone, that wrap around the base of your husband's penis. Then, when you are on top, you have something to give friction to your clitoris. Some of them also vibrate. Don't worry, you don't have to go to some gross sex shop to buy them - Amazon carries them. Obviously, if these are not comfortable for your husband, they're not an option - but there are lots of kinds and they're relatively inexpensive. 
5. Lubrication - were you using any? There is a BIG difference for some people between manual stimulation without lubrication and with lubrication. I personally hate the way 'store' lubricants smell (Astroglide, KY, etc.) - so we use coconut oil. Works great and I don't have to be embarrassed if someone sees some on my nightstand. You can also use olive oil (oldest known personal lubricant - the ancient Greeks used it!), but I find the smell to be quite strong. 

Although vibrators are permitted, they aren't ideal. That's the key here. I realize you may be at a time in your life where you are not into creativity; you don't have the energy or ability to try this or that - you're just lucky to get 30 minutes to have sex and then fall asleep before some little person is waking you up! If so, hey, no big deal - you're not doing anything wrong! But when you find you're getting to a new season of life, maybe you can get an afternoon at home just the two of you, leave the vibrator alone and try some new things! Ultimately, God wants to bless your lovemaking and have it be as pleasurable and fun as possible. Pray, ask God for help, and then approach your husband with love!