WARNING:
Explicit sexual content discussed below. Please do not read if you are concerned about the state of your soul, especially if you are not yet married.
A reader writes:
A reader writes:
My husband and I have been married for 4 years together for almost 10. I don't feel comfortable telling him that I want him to bring me to climax after he is finished. I know, I know, I should work on my communication skills but I feel really slutty and wrong for wanting to reach and orgasm too. So my solution to the problem is to do it myself. I don't feel that is a masturbation since I do it after the intercourse but I do it without him knowing ( I either leave the room or do it very quietly). What is your take on it? I do feel that he is being selfish not to think of this himself but I also understand that he needs to get up for work in 4 hours and needs to sleep.
Your 'question' has a lot of parts! I'll address it as so: if what you are doing now is wrong (i.e., objectively sinful), your attitude towards climaxing, and lastly, your communication needs.
What you are currently doing absolutely is masturbation. You are bringing yourself to climax without your husband even being present! You seek out your own pleasure completely outside the marital act and that is masturbation. Your logic that since you do it after intercourse, it's not masturbation is flawed - lots of things are done after an act, aren't they? Going to the restroom, having a sandwich - are these acts part of intercourse? Where do you draw the line if it's a timing issue - you can do it five minutes afterwards, but fifteen is too remote?
Lets avoid all that dangerous legalism and get to the heart of the matter. Your orgasm in this context in no way involves giving yourself to your husband and thus, it is masturbation. Even if you were not aware of this, you should go to confession - so you can have a fresh start. A nice spring, er, summer cleaning of your soul!
Your ideas about sex seem a bit wonky. No, not because of the masturbation issue - because of your use of the word 'slutty' in regards to your desire to climax at some point within the marital act. Why do you think that desire is slutty or wrong? That's a big issue, because sex is very good and you are meant to enjoy it totally with your husband. In fact, Pope John Paul II, while he was still Karol Wojtyla, wrote in Love and Responsibility
that husbands have a responsibility to make sure their wives orgasm! It is hard work to reprogram your mind on this issue, but I think it's worth the effort. Read the Song of Songs (Old Testament, filled with beautiful imagery about the marital embrace) and call to mind God's words in Genesis when he made man and woman "It is very good." If you need more recommendations, I encourage you to read Dr. Popcak's Holy Sex!: A Catholic Guide to Toe-Curling, Mind-Blowing, Infallible Loving for ways to 'redirect' that kind of thinking and Christopher West's Good News About Sex and Marriage: Answers to Your Honest Questions About Catholic Teaching.
As for your communication issue, a lot of this depends on the context of your relationship. Do you think you and your husband are doing well in other areas? Is he normally very considerate, loving, patient, kind? Is this the one blind spot in an otherwise blissful union, excepting the normal marital tensions? If so, then help the poor man out and talk to him. Tell him how much you love and desire him, how much you enjoy making love, but that you'd like to give more of yourself to him. He might feel bad for not having thought of it before, or nervous that he doesn't know what to do; since you do know how to enjoy yourself, try taking the lead the next time you are intimate together and showing him how to please you. Be gentle and kind; pray a lot before this conversation and beg the Holy Spirit to give you the right words.
Godspeed!
Your 'question' has a lot of parts! I'll address it as so: if what you are doing now is wrong (i.e., objectively sinful), your attitude towards climaxing, and lastly, your communication needs.
What you are currently doing absolutely is masturbation. You are bringing yourself to climax without your husband even being present! You seek out your own pleasure completely outside the marital act and that is masturbation. Your logic that since you do it after intercourse, it's not masturbation is flawed - lots of things are done after an act, aren't they? Going to the restroom, having a sandwich - are these acts part of intercourse? Where do you draw the line if it's a timing issue - you can do it five minutes afterwards, but fifteen is too remote?
Lets avoid all that dangerous legalism and get to the heart of the matter. Your orgasm in this context in no way involves giving yourself to your husband and thus, it is masturbation. Even if you were not aware of this, you should go to confession - so you can have a fresh start. A nice spring, er, summer cleaning of your soul!
Your ideas about sex seem a bit wonky. No, not because of the masturbation issue - because of your use of the word 'slutty' in regards to your desire to climax at some point within the marital act. Why do you think that desire is slutty or wrong? That's a big issue, because sex is very good and you are meant to enjoy it totally with your husband. In fact, Pope John Paul II, while he was still Karol Wojtyla, wrote in Love and Responsibility
that husbands have a responsibility to make sure their wives orgasm! It is hard work to reprogram your mind on this issue, but I think it's worth the effort. Read the Song of Songs (Old Testament, filled with beautiful imagery about the marital embrace) and call to mind God's words in Genesis when he made man and woman "It is very good." If you need more recommendations, I encourage you to read Dr. Popcak's Holy Sex!: A Catholic Guide to Toe-Curling, Mind-Blowing, Infallible Loving for ways to 'redirect' that kind of thinking and Christopher West's Good News About Sex and Marriage: Answers to Your Honest Questions About Catholic Teaching.As for your communication issue, a lot of this depends on the context of your relationship. Do you think you and your husband are doing well in other areas? Is he normally very considerate, loving, patient, kind? Is this the one blind spot in an otherwise blissful union, excepting the normal marital tensions? If so, then help the poor man out and talk to him. Tell him how much you love and desire him, how much you enjoy making love, but that you'd like to give more of yourself to him. He might feel bad for not having thought of it before, or nervous that he doesn't know what to do; since you do know how to enjoy yourself, try taking the lead the next time you are intimate together and showing him how to please you. Be gentle and kind; pray a lot before this conversation and beg the Holy Spirit to give you the right words.
A great deal of this also depends on the level of spiritual maturity, both in yourself and your husband. If you are both faithful Christians, who try to be constant in prayer and good works, attending Mass and passing on the faith to any children, then you have another level of accountability. In my opinion (take it for what it's worth) you should talk to your husband about your masturbatory habit. The Church teaches us that sin not only hurts us, not only hurts God, but hurts the entire Body of Christ. And this sin is a sin against your very marriage. How hurt would you be if you found out your husband had masturbated - and how much worse to find out he hid it from you? If you are mature Christians, I encourage you to confess this to your husband in a spirit of humility and ask him to help you be a better wife. If you have concerns about your relationship, and neither of you make your relationship with God a priority, then consider telling your husband - if you think he will be able to honestly forgive you and move forward in your marriage. This is a judgment call; talk to your priest about this when you go to confession and he'll be able to more specifically advise you in this situation.
No married person can afford to be ignorant of the danger masturbation poses to their marriage. We must be willing to face this sin together, and to see the offending spouse as our beloved in need of our help, not our condemnation. I am in the habit of asking Mr. Chastity if he is being tempted, to see if we need to be making love more often. God desires more than your current status quo for you and your husband! Pray, invite him into your marriage and your bedroom, and be hopeful that with His help, you and your husband can become truly excellent lovers.
Oh, and one last note - sometimes having the woman finish after sex can be a little, ah, messy. Men can be a little intimidated by that! It's not as much of a problem for manual stimulation, but for oral stimulation it can be a little on the intense side for many men. If that's the case, make your pleasure a goal either before he finishes (some tips towards the end of a post from last week, here) or try to finish at the same time. I'll be writing more on simultaneous orgasm later this week, so check that out when it's up.
Oh, and one last note - sometimes having the woman finish after sex can be a little, ah, messy. Men can be a little intimidated by that! It's not as much of a problem for manual stimulation, but for oral stimulation it can be a little on the intense side for many men. If that's the case, make your pleasure a goal either before he finishes (some tips towards the end of a post from last week, here) or try to finish at the same time. I'll be writing more on simultaneous orgasm later this week, so check that out when it's up.
Godspeed!
